A Shimmer Before Darkness.

         The stars shown brightly that night. Their radiance almost out-sparkled my blue, sequenced, short cardigan, but not quite. My outfit literally shimmered every time I made a movement. That cardigan made my mood instantaneously shift to match it whenever I layered it onto my body. I rarely wore it though; it was only meant for special occasions, and tonight was one of those occasions.

         This first year of high school was going to be my new beginning. I was going to rid myself of my shyness and get what I wanted. And at that moment, I wanted the very guy that haunted my every dream since the day he moved to Arlington when I was in sixth grade. His luscious lips were exact replicas of Angelina Jolie's; they begged me to stare at them and imagine what they held behind their shut doors. Once those doors opened though, the world would get a little piece of heaven. 

         He would walk the halls with a strut that made every girl steal a glance and blush back to what they were previously doing. With his sunshine head of hair dancing as his crystal eyes looked strait ahead, my ever-hungry imagination would envision this noble junior walking up to me and asking if I would like to do more than just admire from afar. These visions of mine never seemed to come true though. The closest I would ever get to uttering a single syllable to him would usually sing to the tune of "excuse me" or "hi" if I was lucky. 

         As my unconventional cardigan glimmered and winked at the dance lights, my thoughts were completely skipping past the stupid "hi" scenario and driving full speed towards virginal ecstasy. My newly found teenage spirit was tearing apart my old gawky middle school years. As the shredding of my inner self was occurring, my outer self started molding into the music. My hips jerked neurotically as my sexual predator within dove deeper into my core; latching its claws into my sole and taking over my judgment. "Meek Kayla" had fallen and my eyes dilated as my erotic persona came to life. 

         My animalistic heart beat faster as my prey joined the herd of grinding bodies. As if my feet were possessed, I sashayed over to my prize and without a single shake in my voice, asked him to dance. He smiled with those pearls derived straight from the gods and grabbed my hand. 

         We started out slow and distant but with each song he began to draw me in closer and my ego skyrocketed. It was then that I made up my mind and shushed my tiny little angel of morality. I reached for his ear and whispered two daring words that shimmered throughout my body into his. "Follow Me." 

         With him in tow, we raced through the backdoor and down the school hallways. My pounding feet mimicked my throbbing heart as we raced away from the crowd and away from ourselves. I rounded a corner and simultaneously pulled and pushed him up against the hard wall. Right when his astonished face transformed I knew there was no turning back. I succumbed to those taunting lips and gave my body permission to take over. I kissed him first; he kissed me back. I ran my hands through his golden locks; he ran his hands up and down my shoulder blades. This was my first kiss. 

         Little did I know, that first kiss would be the fire starter for a mass forest of hardship and a rite of passage that I had to go through to become who I am today. It was the ending of my innocence and the beginning of my journey to womanhood. To this day, I will always look back on that kiss with a mixture of sorrow and pride, but never regret. My mind had completely vanished; I had been in the moment. I had captured courage; I had worn my sparkling cardigan.

A Piece of Ass and A Piece of Shit.

His breath ran down my neck as I shivered and put my empty wine bottle down. 

"I want you so bad." was all his beer sodden mouth could mutter, as he groped my chest and pushed me up against the cold, metallic car door. 

"Please... stop, I hardly even know you. I bet you don't even know my last name." 

With that statement mustered out of me, he seemed to snap out of his trance for once and looked intently at the ground. His grip on my waist loosened and his torso seemed to get lighter against my body. 

I let out a deep breath and pat him on the shoulder. 

"Told you so." 

He whipped his head up and narrowed his eyes as I was trying to snake my way out from under his arms. 

"Kayla... Kayla... it starts with a K... Kayla KILBY!!! HA!!! Now we know each other."

As if him answering that one question were a green light, he grabbed my ass and pulled me up against him, laying a big, sloppy, wet one right on my half open mouth. This followed with a roaming hand up the shirt and a soft "Let's fuck" in my ear. 

The ground started spinning and I pushed against the piece of meat with no prevail. My sloppy struggling was useless and as I was just about to give up and tell him a white lie that would get me out from under his grasp, I hear a long, exaggerated zip and a gentle hand grabs mine. It directs me to the hard piece of him that I was not intending to see or FEEL for that matter. I freeze up and he starts reaching for my pants. 

"NO! I am not having sex with you, especially not right here in broad day light!" With that, I pull my pants back up and cross my arms over my chest. 

"Well... we could walk back to your place...?"

"No... my bed is too small." 

"Well... we could walk back to my place!"

"How far would that be?"

"It's a ways, but don't worry... I want you... my bed is big."

"Well put your pants back on and I'll meet you back in the party and we'll... we'll just leave... and... go back to your big bed."

With that, I side stepped my "drug" and stumbled up the stairs to the party without looking back. I kept my eyes averted to all the staring people who knew I had been outside with a boy. I swung open the closet doors to grab my purse when all of a sudden a hand grabs my ass. I spin around and find my back up against yet another solid cage. 

I clutch my purse with a death grip as my next offender stands straight in front of me with his dick right in plain sight, like a god damn gun, sticking me up. 

"You know you want this..."

"Get away from me! You've slept with one of my friends."

"Does that mean you wont fuck me?!"

"Probably not."

"Oh come on! I've wanted that ass ever since the pimps and hoes party. You know you want this." 

I push past him and give the host a quick hug for "such a lovely time" and bound out the door. I make it half way home when I realize my face is streaked with tears falling every time I take a step. I enter my room and peel off my smoke infested clothes as if my body and mind could rid themselves of the previous encounters. I climb into bed and wrap the warmth of my fuzzy blanket over me, surrounding my body in a cocoon of shakes that slowly subside to only sudden jerks throughout the night.

My First Public Embarrassment

Let's visualize a long, pointed, stainless steel object breaking through your skin. That anticipation for the instant sting of an alien object building up in you until you might explode. The pointed torture device penetrates your arm with nauseating force. The color in your face completely evaporates and your stomach starts tightening like it's going to backlash at any moment. The sweat drops down your forehead and you clench your eyes shut as the room starts spinning around you. Right when you feel like you can't take anymore, you look over at your doctor and realize the shot has been successful... five minutes ago. 

If you haven't guessed already, I have a huge phobia of needles. All my life I have fought every trip to the doctor, I have cried numerous times (hours before I've even arrived to the office), and I have fainted. All these behaviors of mine have lessened over the years, but my minor belonephobia hasn't really ever left me. Thus, my appointments that involve shots seem to always result in me fainting on the chair, but never in front of more than two people. 

My ears have been pierced for years and I had only suffered from slight nausea after both of the procedures, so I thought to myself "Hey, I'm almost 19 years old, they use a gun, it will be quick and painless, why not get my ears pierced again, right?!" This was a major mistake. 

It was Valentines day of 2009 and my roommates and I had decided to go out for dinner and while we were there, we would get my ears pierced in Claires. Once this decision was made, my mind went on a rampage and I felt like I had to pee and vomit all the way to the jewelry store. 

As I walked in with my short, little sundress and my fake "perky" attitude, my roommates became oblivious to my eternal war going on all throughout my body. I walked over to the "death chair" like I was walking the Green Mile. I sat down and awaited my worse nightmare to come upon me in front of all my roommates, the piercing lady, and the handful of customers in the store. 

My hands were shaking, my smile was plastered onto my face, the gun was raised to my ear and as I took a deep breath, it punctured my lobe and a fake diamond took its place. It was quick, it was painless, and the second piercing was just the same. As I sat there with my new earrings, I felt so proud of myself for not letting my anxiety get the best of me; my phobia had been conquered! 

Once my roommates left to go look at other items in the store, I began to feel that nausea creeping up within me like the crypt keeper knocking on my door, waiting for me to relinquish all my noble actions and pride to a stupid little needle. I was determined to not let it conquer me, so I strode forward and tried to make conversation with one of my roomies but as soon as my hand touched her shoulder, all my conscious thoughts went out the window. 

That's right, I fainted. Not only did I fall completely back and hit my head on one of the earring holders, but I had pulled my roommate down with me in her attempt to hold me up, AND as a result of falling, my dress had flown up, exposing all of me to Claires. All I remember is opening my eyes and seeing a crowd surrounding me.  

After that experience I'm sure I scarred quite a few kids and probably blinded everyone in the store. My little piercing expedition had earned me my first real public embarrassment and as I look back on it, I'm kind of glad that it happened; it makes one funny story, and I have my pierced ears to look at every morning. :)