On Tampons

"Kayla!! Come swim with us!" Swim... Swim... Swimming entails me to be in water, which in turn, makes my absorbing pad a dangerous device that could embarrass and expose me. This gosh darn period of mine always has to get in the way. I'm only thirteen and I've had to deal with this "trick of nature" for over a year now. OVER A YEAR!... I have had to say no to swimming for a week out of every month for OVER ONE GOD DAMN YEAR!

 I don't think you understand. Swimming is my life at this age. My grandparents own a swimming pool, I live right next to a river, all my friends swim, I SWIM, that is, when I'm not literally "riding the white horse." Sure, I've heard of tampons, but my mom doesn't want me to use one until I'm absolutely ready. Well, dammit woman, I'm freaking ready to swim! 

I go on the mission of finding that little cotton plug while my friends get their feet wet. I open the cupboards while Amanda climbs the ladder to our slide. I tear open the wrapper; "Cute. The tampon company thinks they can disguise the scary complexity of a tampon by making it look like candy. Brilliant. You can't fool me. No sir, this is a freaking weapon. I KNOW IT!" As the soft, pink plastic becomes exposed, my friend outside hollers my name again. I look at the box for directions: 

-Decide if you want to sit or stand during tampon insertion. If you choose to sit, the toilet is a good place. Spread your knees apart and insert the tampon into your vagina. If you’d rather stand during tampon insertion, prop one foot on something so that leg is higher than the other leg; the side of your bathtub is good for propping your foot on.

"I'll sit, thank you." 

-Place the tampon applicator tip into the opening of your vagina and push it

 towards your lower back.

SPLASH!! My friend just slid down the slide into the welcoming waters outside. 

-Continue pushing the tampon back until you can feel the end of the outer tube just at the opening of the vaginal canal.

Ok... ouch... Ouch... 

-Next, push the inner tube into your vagina until the tampon inserts fully, and the inner and outer applicator tube ends meet.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! People do this on a regular basis?! 

"Kayla!!? Come on! What are you doing?!"

-For proper tampon insertion, make sure the two ends of the applicator meet just at the opening to your vagina. Gently pull the applicator out of the vagina, while making sure that you can feel the string hanging out from the bottom of the tampon.

YANK! Ok I'm good. I can swim now. 

"I'm coming!"

As I run out the doors, sandpaper starts rubbing inside of me. The tampon was initially made by the Egyptians with softened papyrus and the Greeks used sticks with lint wrapped around. It wasn't until 1929 that the applicator tampon with a removal cord was invented. It doesn't mean shit, I don't care if the tampon first started out with women sticking twigs up themselves, this freaking hurts and we should have better technology now so that it doesn't rub me raw! 

SPLASH!! "Water, oh how I love you!" After my perfect canon ball, I scurry out of the water to go down the slide. (Rub) I'm gonna enjoy every moment of this. (Tampon) SPLASH!! I kick with my back feet and dive deep into the depths. (TAMPON) I hold my breath as I sit on the floor. Aww... no movement equals no tampon rubbing. 

Tampons offer discretion and freedom to women such as swimming to continue without interruption. Unlike sanitary pads, menstrual blood is not exposed to the air with the use of tampons, so there is limited odor. There is no way to see if a woman is using a tampon when she is clothed, unlike sanitary pads, which have outlines that can sometimes be seen through fabric. 

I push off up to the surface, launching out of the water with an agonizing groan. What is wrong with this tampon? 

 "Are you Ok Kayla?" 

"No. I think I have a stomach ache. I'm gonna get out for a bit."

I waddle to the bathroom with a broomstick caught between my legs. I reach the sanctuary of the bathroom and pull down my swimsuit. Well folks.... I only succeeded in putting the tampon in halfway. 

After that day, I didn't convert back to the tampon for another few months. It was a traumatizing experience, but I'm glad to say that tampons and I have made up. They are more convenient than pads in a lot of ways, but many researchers have discovered that some tampons have bleach in them, which can make a woman bleed more. What a horrible sales pitch, huh? 

There is also the risk of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which can hospitalize women and could possibly lead to sterility. This is only if you leave in the lovely little plug for days, but still, it is a serious side effect and makes the proper usage of our little friend the tampon a little more respected, at least by me.